Why the Whole Mama Company Was Started
Almost exactly a week ago, my husband, Corey, and I learned that we had had a miscarriage. It was the day before our scheduled 10 week appointment when I noticed that I was spotting. Nothing out of the ordinary and it wasn’t bright red, but a nagging feeling of disappointment and loss overwhelmed my body. In an attempt to keep the mood light, my husband laid his hand on my shoulder and explained, “We don’t know anything yet.” His words of encouragement gave me hope, and together we called my OBGYN.
On the other line, the nurse listened to our concerns and symptoms and put us at ease, “Spotting is normal and it’s reassuring that it’s not bright red.” But even with this information, there was no way in hell we were going to wait until the next day to find out the “what ifs.” The nurse told us that she would discuss our symptoms with a doctor and determine if it was necessary for us to come in for an ultrasound and check up. Hours went by and we heard nothing. It’s as if 10 days had passed within those few hours and our minds were racing as we jumped from scenario to scenario. Then, the phone rang. In her courteous and possibly much too chipper tone, the nurse asked us to come in right away.
When we arrived we were taken into a room immediately, but then as per usual with doctors, we waited for what felt like an eternity for the knock on the door. Finally, our OB entered the room and began to ask us questions, one of which stood out, “Are your breasts still tender?” A couple of weeks ago, my boobs had swollen a whole cup size and were extremely sore, but when I put my hands over each one I realized they weren’t sore at all. “No, they’re not,” I said as my heart began to sink. My OB didn’t say a word and promptly turned the lights off, pulled up the ultrasound and asked me to slide to end of the table.
Silence engulfed the room as she began the ultrasound. There it was, plain as day, our little fetus right where it was supposed to be. First, we were in awe that we were really going to be parents… then as our OB continued to poke around, there was no question that the heartbeat we were looking for wasn’t there.
Tears began to roll down my face and I felt my husbands hand searching for mine. The room was still silent as our OB wheeled herself to the wall to switch on the light. “This is the hardest part of my job,” she began, “but unfortunately there is no heartbeat. Miscarriages are very common, but no one talks about them and it doesn’t make this loss any easier.” She went on to explain our options, but both Corey and I were too numb from the news to understand what was to come.We left the office to head home to weigh our options, Corey stoic and reflective, and me, crying hysterically. For weeks on end I had lived and breathed the idea of being pregnant — of becoming a mom. My entire life had shifted from wanting to be a successful business owner to caring for a family… and at that moment, it felt like those dreams had been shattered. Questioning if it was something I had done or if I would ever be able to become pregnant again made me sick to my stomach. All I wanted was the ability to turn back time and do whatever I could to make this pregnancy stick. What I learned over the past week is that it’s nothing you did, there is nothing you can do about it and that the body knows when a pregnancy isn’t meant to be, terminating it for good reason.
When Corey and I got home, we immediately called the doctor back to once again, go over our options. Like I said, we were completely numb when she had explained them the first time. We had three options: 1) Let things take course naturally, which isn’t 100% effective and could result in retained tissue and infection — even infertility, 2) Take Cytotech, a vaginally inserted pill that aborts the fetus over a few days, but again, many women still go on to have retained tissue and must endure the third option, 3) a D&C (dilation and curettage), a procedure that dilates the cervix and surgically removes the contents of the uterus. Our OB recommended option three and then began to explain the risks involved: a punctured uterus, infertility, a hysterectomy if things went wrong, yada yada yada. As if we weren’t hurting enough, it felt like the procedure we were about to go through was adding insult to injury.
The doctor scheduled the surgery for 7:30am the following morning. We were asked to be there by 6:05am to prep and to have more bloodwork done. She prescribed the pill Cytotech to be inserted at 10PM that night to aid in dilated the cervix. What happened in the next few hours after inserting that pill were the worst 5 hours of pain I have ever endured… and while you may not know me, I like to think I have a high tolerance for pain.
The Cytotech gave me the worst cramps I have ever had waking me from my sleep at 1:30am. Laying in bed seemed to make them worse and I found myself hunched over a towel on the bathroom floor hyperventilating and nearly passing out from the pain. I was nauseous and began to have spasms in my intestines causing the worst diarrhea of my life (yes, TMI, but someone’s got to talk about this)! This lasted until 5:45am when we made our way to the hospital. No one prepared us for the night we were going to have, no one explained how awful the Cytotech would make me feel and how much it made me bleed, no one seemed to give a shit. It’s as if because miscarriages are so common, doctors and nurses have lost their sympathy for both the physical and emotional pain this whole experience has caused us.
Around 7:15am I was put under general anesthesia and woke to the aggressive cramps I had had the night before. The attending nurse injected pain killers and antibiotics which seemed to help a little. But the following 5 days I could barely get myself off the couch due to the cramping and bleeding. A week out, now, I still have cramps but am starting to go on with my days and routine. Having hidden from the world for a full five days, I began to reach out to friends and family, many of which explained they had had the same thing happen to them. This was such a traumatic, devastating experience for us, why hadn’t we heard other people’s accounts? Especially those people who are so close to us.
I believe this is something that needs to be talked about more — not because knowing others have gone through it makes it any easier, but because knowing what to expect might help you to prepare mentally and physically for the process. In the beginning, the physical pain masks your sadness, but once that begins to dissipate, you’re left with a hole in your heart that you didn’t even realize was there. You’re left wondering if you’ll ever get pregnant again and left with the fear that you might have to endure this whole process again. It’s amazing to me, from what I have learned over the past week, that anyone gets pregnant at all. It really is the miracle of life. All I can say is that I hope sharing my experience helps you or someone you love as you navigate this experience, as so many couples do. I also hope that this blog will continue to help you throughout your pregnancy, from pre-conception to post labor. I plan on sharing fertility enhancing recipes, exercises and more ways to keep your body healthy for you and your baby.
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